"Follow the Child" On a Walk in the Park

We go to the park for a walk almost everyday. It's a time I let them be as free as possible. Generally, I don't limit them to a certain part of the park and instead, my nanny and I each watch one so they can choose where they want to go. I want them to explore nature, so I like to let them loose where there are many opportunities to observe animals, smell flowers and people-watch. The girls are now 17 months.

We arrive at the park. I unbuckle them and let them get off the stroller by themselves. I try not to do anything for them that they can do by themselves.

Brooke immediately heads to one side of the park where the flowers are,

climbs over the low fence...

to smell the flower.

Mackenzie is with my nanny where she is walking around with her toys

She picks up a plastic cap. I'm pretty sure it's disgustingly dirty, but I try not to run over, scream and whack it out of her hands, like I want to. Instead, I just watch.

Here is the cap - is it going in her mouth?

Not this time, thank god. As I breathe a sigh of relief, I tell her 'good job' for throwing trash in the trash can. If I give in to my fears everytime she touches something dirty and freak out, then she really cannot be free during our walks, and neither can I.

Brooke tells my nanny she wants something to eat

I tell the nanny to give her the whole bag and tell her to get it herself

It takes her a while to rustle through the bag. My nanny and I look at each other. I've trained her (and myself) to not rush to help her, even though we can do it so much faster than she can. 

She finally wrestles it out of the bag. Mackenzie reaches for some too.

She takes a piece and I ask her to give me the rest

As we sit and eat, she makes the signs for "music" and

Mackenzie makes the sign for 'bird.' Together, they mean, "The birds are singing." So we sit to enjoy a bit of music before moving on.

I follow Mackenzie around. Here she spots someone stretching...

Brooke plays on a patch of grass. When she is done, rather than picking her up, I tell her to "Get up by yourself."

She does.

Observing some squirrels. We live in NYC. The animals are limited.  *sigh*

A nice lady lets us pet her dog. Brooke loves it and Mackenzie doesn't. I let Brooke do it and leave Mackenzie alone. She doesn't have to if she doesn't want to.

It's time to go home. They climb in the stroller by themselves and sit as we buckle them in. That's it for us today. Till tomorrow!

Floor Bed Update - 17 months

Now that Brooke and Mackenzie are 17 months, I decided to do an update on their sleeping situation. They are still sleeping on the same floor bed they've been sleeping on since they were four months old. Here's a video of their bedroom:

Playing with Water To Their Heart's Content!

Following my last blog posting, here is B and M playing with water at the kitchen sink -

Parent Q&A: How do I set limits with my toddler twins?

Dear Stephanie:

I was wondering if you have rules for your kids.  I know we have to let our kids try everything and be patient, but sometimes I can't stand the kids splashing water everywhere while helping to wash dishes or while working on anything with water.  How can I set the limit on this issue?  Is it enough to just say, "Water is for washing dishes?”

Lisa L.

Dear Lisa,

Thank you for writing.  This is such an important question! It's what Montessori refers to when talking about "Freedom and Limits." It's also what my new favorite book, "Bringing Up Bebe," talks about when she says the French give their children a 'cadre' - or framework.

I make it a habit to say yes to my kids as much as possible. In fact, I let them do things my nanny cannot believe, like letting them jump in puddles in the park, climb all over the furniture (except tabletops), eat anyway they want as long as the food ends up in their stomach, let them play with rolls of toilet paper, etc. I pretty much allow them to explore their environment as much as they want.

But with certain things in the house, mainly if it is dangerous, hurtful or very rude to someone, my "NO" is swift, stern and nonnegotiable. Let me give you a few examples:

Scenario #1

Mackenzie started putting her feet on the table while eating. That is an absolute no in my book. The first two times, I just said ‘No’ sternly, but she thought that was funny and it didn’t stop her. So by the third time, I said “No” very sternly and slapped the part of the leg that was on the table. Hard enough so it hurt, but not hard enough to be considered as child abuse, I believe. I’ve had to do this two times and she learned. From then on, she would put her leg on the table, look at me, then slap her own leg and put her leg down!

Scenario #2

Sometimes Mackenzie will sit on my lap to play with me and recently she started hitting my face. It hurts and whether she did it playfully or not, if it hurts, I do not allow it. I held her hand and said, “No.” She thought that was funny and kept doing it while laughing. And then I did what my mom, Ms. Lam, told me to do: when she hits my face, I hold her hand and say in a stern voice, “No” and then I put her down on the floor and walk away. For a child, your attention is what they want most in life, so when you take your presence away, that is the worse punishment for them. I’m happy to report Mackenzie is hitting much less! I know as long as I am consistent with this, she will stop completely soon enough.

Scenario #3

Brooke and Mackenzie absolutely cannot resist two things, one is climbing on the dining room table, the second is to eat the dirt in our jade plant and/or throw it everywhere in the house. Both of them are not acceptable in my book.

This is a case where I take their age into consideration. At 18 months, up to about 3 years old, you cannot expect them to resist doing something that is staring them in the face. So if the plant is within reaching distance, it doesn’t matter how many times you say no, their sense of curiosity will win out every time.

Last time, a 13-month-old came to play at our house and she kept reaching for a toy that her mother didn’t want her to play with. Mom tried several tactics. First, she tried being stern with her, then she tried to reason with her, then she tried to entice her away with food…the child went back to the toy every time. Why? They can’t help themselves at this age. So what should you do? Well, you can stay on your guard and continue to say ‘No.’ I find that super exhausting, so I do it the easy way – I just take it away. If they can’t see it, they won’t touch it. Seriously, it’s that easy.

So what about the table-climbing and plant touching? I keep the plant at a height they can’t reach and I removed all the chairs and anything ‘climbable’ around the dining room table. As long as they don’t see it, they won’t do it!

Lisa, I also want to address your specific scenario. Rather than being stricter with them around playing with water, I recommend you give them more freedom around it. It seems counterintuitive, but let me explain why. Water is one of those things toddlers just cannot resist. They can play with water all day long. In fact, a couple weeks ago, my kids were doing the same thing as yours, splashing water all over the place while they were washing their hands in the kitchen sink. So what I did was put a bunch of things in the sink, like a couple plastic containers, a small pot, ladles, sieve, measuring cups, etc, turn the water on low and let them go to town. I walked away to read my magazine on the couch while they played. The first time, they played for 30 minutes straight! Their clothes ended up sopping wet, the entire countertop was wet and the floor was wet. I changed them, then grabbed a huge bath towel and wiped everything up. A couple days later, we did it again. And they got it out of their system for about two weeks and then we did it again. The point is this: if you give them all the freedom in the world to play with water and let them play till they are completely satisfied and naturally lose interest, then they will stop doing it when they’re not supposed to!

Meanwhile, you have 30 minutes to read a book, chat with a friend or buy something new and sexy for yourself on the internet, so use it!

Ms. Lam's Interview Series 1: My Child (2.5 years old) Hits Other Kids. What should I do?

My mother, Ms. Lam, brought Montessori education to Taiwan 28 years ago. She has since opened five Montessori schools. The children who attend her school range from 18 months – 6 years old. Ms. Lam holds both the AMI (Association Montessori Internationale) Infant-Toddler (ages 0-3) and Primary (ages 3-6) diplomas. Every Thursday, Ms. Lam meets with parents who have questions or concerns about their children. On these days, parents bring their questions and Ms. Lam sits down to offers them some heart-to-heart advice.

These interviews take place in Taipei, Taiwan and have been translated from Mandarin Chinese. Here is the first of ten in the series that I will be sharing with you in the coming months.

               *                                               *                                                   *

Mother:

My child is now 2 years and 7 months old. Before he turned 2 years 4 months old, his grandma looked after him, but when he started to hit people, I decided to quit my job to take care of him myself. He’s generally a good kid, and maybe because he has type A blood, he's very careful. But I can’t stand the fact that he is hitting other kids. I’ve read lots of parenting books, but everytime I finish reading a book, I have to change my parenting style, and this just confuses me further. Last month, I read this best-selling parenting book, I decided to follow the advice in the book. So last month, I was very strict with him, but I realize that style doesn’t work with him. The stricter I am, the more he’ll deliberately do something to make me mad. Actually he really likes other kids, whenever he sees them, he always wants to hug them, but the other kids don’t necessarily want to be hugged. I feel his ability to communicate is poor, he doesn’t really know how to speak yet.

Ms. Lam:

Can he say short sentences?

Mother:

Yes, he can say, “I’m up. It’s nice today (weather-wise). The sky is blue.”

Ms. Lam:

That’s very good.

Mother:

Maybe because I’m comparing him to other kids, but when I take him to church, other kids his age can say all sorts of things. They can even carry on a conversation. My kid just wants to hug the other children, but he can’t SAY what he wants.

He has a really strong personality. For example, when we buy him a toy, if he doesn’t know how to play it, he’ll push us aside and hide in the corner till he figures it out by himself. 

Ms. Lam:

That’s great!

Mother:

What’s great about that? It makes me worried about him. Don’t you think he has serious problems?

Ms. Lam:

How so? This is all normal. Up to now, I haven’t heard any problems. All children are like this.  

Mother:

He’s very stubborn!

Ms. Lam:

All 2-year-olds are stubborn. Stubborn is good. It means he’s got character.

Mother:

He’s so stubborn sometimes I can’t stand it.

Ms. Lam:

If he doesn’t have character, then you should worry.

Mother:

For example, whenever he washes his hand, after he washes it, he insists that everyone smell his hands and say, “Your hands are so clean and they smell so good!” I feel like he’s controlling all the adults around him.

Ms. Lam:

Up to now, I haven’t heard a real problem yet. They’re all problems you’re projecting. You’re looking at him through an adult’s perspective. Anything else?

Mother:

Well, it’s mostly small stuff. If he’s with me, he’s good because I don’t really limit him much, so he can spend really long periods of time playing and reading books by himself in his room. The problem comes up when we go out. When he sees other kids, he’ll just go over and hit them.  

Ms. Lam:

That’s considered pretty normal. Some children even bite.  

Mother:

But all the kids I see at church are so good. Some of those moms also think there’s something wrong with my child!

Ms. Lam:

So you’re just worried that he hits people.

Mother:

Yes.

Ms. Lam:

That’s a small problem. What you need to do now is the following. First of all, stop reading parenting books. Every book has a different angle. Some moms spoil their children, so the books will advise them to be stricter. Some books tell you to let your child go completely. But every family background and situation is different, so the way you parent will be different. Grandparents raising kids isn’t a problem either. I can tell you whether your child is okay just by looking into his eyes.

Mother:

Do you think my child’s eyes are okay?

Ms. Lam:

Yes. I can tell by looking at his eyes that he can concentrate. He doesn’t have shifting eyes that look this way and that. His only problem is that he hits people, but many 2-year-olds have this problem.

Usually, when moms encounter this problem, they’ll say, “don’t hit.” But “hitting” is a reflex for the child, and when he hears you say the word “hit,” it just reinforces his action. It might take him 30 seconds to comprehend the words “don’t hit.” But by then, he’s already done it. So don’t say to him, “don’t hit.”

Mother:

So what do I say? “Don’t do that?”

Ms. Lam:

You want to use positive language, for example, you can say something like “I see you want to play with him! You can touch him gently.” Don’t say the word ‘hit.’ If he hits, say, “No. Touch him gently.”

For a two year old, when you see him running, if you say, “Stop running,” he’ll run even faster. You have to say, “Walk!” or “Stop!”

Mother:

Really?

Ms. Lam:

It’s not that they don’t understand, but they don’t react to ‘Don’t’ as quickly as adults do. For an adult, the words “Don’t hit!” takes 1/10 of a second to register and understand, but for a child, it might take 10 second. When something is happening, by the time the child understands the command, the thing has already happened. So with a two-year-old, you have to speak to him in the positive.

Mother:

And use a positive attitude, too?

Ms. Lam:

Yes. And when you say “No,” your tone has to be certain. Speak to your child with clarity and simplicity.

Mother:

Some people say you have to talk to your children a lot. So if a child asks a question, the parents will give them long, drawn-out explanations. Should I do that too?

Ms. Lam:

When you talk to a child, the most important thing is to have eye contact. Some moms talk to their children while they are walking next to them, that’s incorrect.

Mother:

Yeah, so many moms do that nowadays!

Ms. Lam:

A lot of books will tell you that will increase a child’s IQ, that you need to talk to your child constantly. Actually, children need more time to observe, think, experience – UNINTERRUPTED. Some people play CDs constantly for their child. In Japan, some parents even put a speaker in the child’s room so they can talk to them constantly through a microphone. This is overdoing it. Of course, we need to teach them things, for example, teaching your child the correct names of things, rather than ‘flower’ teach them ‘lilies,’ ‘roses,’ ‘daffodils,’ etc.

Mother:

What if I don’t know the name of something?

Ms. Lam:

Then say, ‘I don’t know what kind of flower this is. We can look it up when we go home.’ Don’t become a walking dictionary because knowledge needs to be discovered by the child himself and not through the parents. It’s NOT your job to be a knowledge bank. Just be natural when you’re with your child. Think, what did your mom do?

Mother:

In the past, moms were so busy. They didn’t have time to spend all this time with their children.

Ms. Lam:

Yes. Children nowadays are overly taken care of. They have no sense of independence. They never get a chance to develop their ability to concentrate, think or make judgments.

Mother:

I feel like I’m not overly taking care of him at all, but my mom still says I’m too protective. She says the neighbor’s kids run around in the streets, but I get worried if I don’t see him for a second.

Ms. Lam:

Even if you’re worried, you can’t act worried in front of him. You say he gets scared easily, it’s because the adults have scared him into being that way. Kids are all bold.

Mother:

He never climbs on anything.

Ms. Lam:

Because when he was little, every time he tried to climb, you said, “Be careful, don’t climb! Get down!” When a child hears a lot of warnings, eventually, he gets scared.

Mother:

I thought maybe it’s because he’s a Pisces so he doesn’t like to climb. He doesn’t even jump on beds.

Ms. Lam:

Some children are born that way, it’s true. But every child will try to explore their environment and they should not be limited. The children in the Infant Community of our school (1.5-2.5 years old) use needle and thread, cuts fruits with knives - they use REAL things. Everyone has the awareness and desire to protect themselves. If we teach children to use these things properly, they won’t get hurt.

Mother:

When he sees me using scissors, he gets very curious.

Ms. Lam:

Then buy a small pair of scissors for him.

Mother:

I worry…

Ms. Lam:

Of course you have to consider his safety. So buy a round-headed one.

Mother:

I have another question. Is it true that we have to educate our children before three? A lot of books say 0-3 is the prime time for developing the brain.

Ms. Lam:

It is true. For children who have learning disabilities or autism, doing therapy with them before they are three will make a big difference and the time window should not be missed. But for normal children, if you miss the time window, he’ll just be harder to teach as he gets older, because before 3, children do not experience frustration or feelings of failure. He’ll just keep doing something till he gets it. But for an older child, if he doesn’t get something, he’ll get frustrated and it will affect his confidence. Children nowadays get frustrated very easily.

Mother:

Yes, they do.

Ms. Lam:

That’s because parents don’t let the children experiment and develop their capabilities. They over-protect them. If children do things too late, when they fail, they will feel frustrated.

Mother:

But I don’t know when to let him go and when to keep him safe.

Ms. Lam:

You have to give children REAL things. Let him drink from glass cups and eat from bowls that will break. He has to learn that things will break. Breaking is okay, we’ll just clean it up, but we have to be careful. Slowly, he will learn how much strength he needs to exert in order to do certain things, he’ll start to understand what his body is capable of.

Mother:

I need to let him know things will break.

Ms. Lam:

If he’s ever been allowed to cut a banana or a cucumber, he’ll know that they feel different. What does it feel like to cut an egg? How much force do I need to exert? He has to do it in order to know. The way you shell a peanut versus peel an orange, the amount of force and type of force are different. A child under three needs to begin to understand the strength of his body.

Mother:

Can’t you just tell him?

Ms. Lam:

If he hasn’t experienced it, his muscle hasn’t transmitted that message to his brain, he doesn’t understand what you’re saying. Just like someone who has never played tennis before, if you tell him how to serve the ball, how to hit harder, how to hit further, he has no idea what you’re talking about. Children learn about time, space and distance from experience.

Mother:

He’s been loving this one game where he will run from one end of the living room and bang himself really hard against the sofa. He’ll do this over and over again.

Ms. Lam:

He’s trying to understand his own strength by repeating this action over and over.

Mother:

I mean, I wonder, doesn’t it hurt? Because the distance is not that far, he’ll do it over and over, each time he’ll bang his body harder and harder.

Ms. Lam:

That means you need to take him to the park and let him do some vigorous running.

Mother:

But once we get to the park, if there are no kids, he gets sad and then he won’t play

Ms. Lam:

Mom and Dad can run with him!

Mother:

But he’s so little, can he really run?

Ms. Lam:

When a child repeats an action over and over, he’s trying to tell you that he needs to further explore this area, so we have to give him the opportunity. If you don’t want him running in the living room, then take him to the park. He’s doing these things to develop his gross motor skills. With children you don’t have to worry about his language development. The fact that he can say, “I’m up. I’m hungry. The weather is nice,” for a 2 year 7 month child, that’s plenty. Don’t ask for more. And you don’t need to envy others.

Mother:

Actually, I think if he can express his needs, that is enough.

Ms. Lam:

It’s more than enough. Can he eat by himself?

Mother:

Yes! He always eats by himself. But when he eats up to a certain point, I can’t take it anymore and I just have to feed him.

Ms. Lam:

Does he eat large pieces of meat or vegetable?

Mother:

I’ll cut it up for him.

Ms. Lam:

Don’t cut it up. Let him chew. Let him use his teeth to bite through the big pieces. For a 7 month old, I tell parents to give them an entire apple or an entire guava. Because at first they can’t bite into an apple, so you don’t have to worry that they’ll choke on it. They’ll start by using their two front teeth, that’s how children learn to bite.

Mother:

I see. When we go out, I don’t bring scissors with me. But I’ve never seen him bite into anything. I’ve never seen him bite off noodles, for example. If he thinks the pieces are too big, he’ll just spit it out.

Ms. Lam:

When he drinks water, let him drink directly from the cup. Don’t give him a straw.

Mother:

What about a sippy cup?

Ms. Lam:

Don’t use a sippy cup. A sippy cup is pre-controlled. But when a child is learning to drink from a cup, he has to learn to control how much water to pour into his mouth and how to take sips after sips. The younger you start him on a cup, the better. This seems like it’s a small detail, but actually it’s very important for myelinization of the brain, muscle control and experiencing bodily sensations. Maybe you’re thinking, well, I’m sure he’ll be able to do it when he’s five. But one is learning from experience, the other one is learning through concepts. The learning takes place in different parts of the brain.

When babies are 3-4 months old, as they’re learning to crawl and walk, adults shouldn’t try to help. When you see your child learning to roll over, it seems to be hard work. Well, it is. And he needs it. This is called developing will power. If you help him, he will lose the opportunity to develop his will power. This goes for crawling and walking as well. Don’t help him.

Mother:

What about walkers?

Ms. Lam:

Not good. Once he starts using a walker, his nervous system will start to think that his body is the size of the walker. One day, when you remove the walker, his body has become much smaller, so he has to reevaluate and relearn the distance between his body and the environment. In the process, he’ll fall and get hurt very easily.

Mother:

I see.

Ms. Lam:

It’s like if you’re used to driving a small car and suddenly you have to drive a truck, it takes a lot of time to adjust. For a child, it’s a lot of extraneous hard work.

Mother:

It sounds like adults are inhibiting children.

Ms. Lam:

For example, with bottles, when a baby can hold his own bottle, let him. Once he starts sitting, he may not be able to drink the milk, so he has to lift his head or tilt his body to one side to drink. Slowly, he will discover that he can control the milk flow with his body. That is learning through experience and discovery.

Why do children nowadays experience so much frustration? It’s because he’s lost that opportunity to build will power. So the hardest part about parenting children is when they are struggling, you cannot help him. In the past, mothers were very busy, so they don’t have time to help their child. And slowly, the children figure it out themselves.

Mother:

No wonder, I had a client whose child was outstanding. I asked her how she did it. She said, she didn’t have time to teach him anything, she was so busy, all she did was carry the child on her back or let him run around on his own.

Ms. Lam:

If you want your child to be creative, then teach less, interfere less, let the child figure it out for himself.

Mother:

What about listening to DVDs

Ms. Lam:

That’s the worse. Learning through listening, without working his hands, he is using only one sense to understand the world.

Mother:

But he loves it.

Ms. Lam:

Because he’s used to it. He’s used to this way of learning. So if you can look inside his brain, you’ll see his listening is probably very developed.

Mother:

I don’t want him to watch too much TV because some of the characters are too aggressive. But since I don’t let him watch TV, I feel like I should let him do something else.

Ms. Lam:

Let him do something with his hands.

Mother:

I don’t know what to give him.

Ms. Lam:

Let him rip paper. Teach him how to rip. Let him rip the paper into tiny pieces. At first, he may not have the strength to rip paper, so let him start with tissue paper. Slowly, give him thicker paper. Let his hands gain strength. Let him understand where his strength is – how small can he rip the paper? It also works on his concentration. You can also teach him to use a knife, so he can cut carrots, string beans, bananas, etc

Mother:

Will children be interested in doing these things?

Ms. Lam:

 Children love it. And you can give him work that’s related to water all day long.

Mother:

Every time he bathes, he can stay in the tub for a long time, at least 30 minutes. But because of it, he catches colds a lot, so I don’t know what to do.

I’m afraid he’s missing out on his prime time, so I want to give him more things to do. I’ve noticed that he doesn’t even open books much these days, he just presses PLAY and sits down to listen.

Ms. Lam:

Why are you giving him so much information? If you can develop a child’s love for books, then he’ll be able to find information for himself. If kids have a lot of knowledge, he may be able to talk a good talk, but he may not have corresponding capabilities. What he ends up with is just more frustration.

Mother:

So no DVD’s either?

Ms. Lam:

If you must, don’t let him watch for more than half hour. He’s already over 2, so he can play by himself. Try not to play with him. Let him occupy himself. Creativity comes from discovery.

Mother:

But if I let him play by himself, he’ll just sit around and play with cars all day long.

Ms. Lam:

Then let him. That is much better than listening to DVD’s.

Mother:

What’s so good about playing with cars? He’s always pushing around those same old cars.

Ms. Lam:

Don’t look at him from the point of view of an adult. If you give him blocks, you’ll see that he just lines them up too.

Mother:

Yes, he just lines them up in a row and says that’s a train. I wonder how come he has so little imagination?

Ms. Lam:

At his age, that’s what they do. They put things in a row. If you give him a lot of cars, he’ll just put them all together in a row. That’s what they do at this age. If shoes are all over the place, he’ll also line them up in a row.

Mother:

Yes, he loves to line up shoes!

Ms. Lam:

And you’ll think, oh, he’s such a good kid, Well, at this age, that’s what they do.

Mother:

I thought maybe he likes to be neat like me!

Ms. Lam:

If you give him a puzzle, he’ll line them up outside the board, he won’t put them inside.

Mother:

I’ve given him puzzles. The real kind.

Ms. Lam:

Puzzles should have very few pieces, the fewer the better. 3-7 pieces max.

Mother:

The fewer the better?

Ms. Lam:

The fewer the better. And let him work on it slowly. Make it just a little challenging at a time. Don’t give him too many pieces, or else he won’t want to do it at all.

Mother:

He does like puzzles, it’s just that recently, he just loves listening to DVDs.

Ms. Lam:

Puzzles are better than DVDs. If he gets used to listening to DVDs his eyes can start to lose focus. As he gets older, when he listens to people talk, it’ll go in one ear and out the other.

Mother:

At what age can is it appropriate to give a child DVDs?

Ms. Lam:

12-years-old.

Mother:

12? My goodness!

Ms. Lam:

It’s best not to give it to him. Unless you are driving or you don’t have time to tell him stories, then fine. Otherwise, it’s best not to give it to him.

Mother:

I should’ve come earlier. Recently, I bought a Montessori parenting book. After I read it, I found that it’s different from any other parenting books I’ve ever read. Now after talking to you, I see that it really is another way of thinking altogether.

Ms. Lam:

Montessori books are not written to become best-sellers. They are written for teachers, to educate teachers. Next week, I’m having a speech for parents, you can come to that.

Mother:

Of course, I’d rather my child learn in the most natural and easiest way, but in this time and age, I’m afraid he’s missing out. So many of my friends give their children iPADs. I didn’t buy him one because I’m afraid it’ll be bad for his eyes. 

Ms. Lam:

Bad for eyes now, and bad for his cognitive skills down the line.

Mother:

I really worry a lot about the future.

Ms. Lam:

If you are really thinking about his future, you have to follow my advice: develop his will power, his concentration, his hand-eye coordination, his fine motor skills, let him come to know the strength of his body. These are the most important things for him right now. Knowledge is not important.

Mother:

Will he have any problems in pre-school if he starts at 3?

Ms. Lam:

No.

Mother:

Because sometimes when he goes to Sunday school, he sort of loses control

Ms. Lam:

He’s only 2! Don’t set such high standards for him. If you spend 20% of the time playing with him, telling him stories, and 80 percent of the time creating a good environment for him to play by himself in, it will reduce your unnecessary worries.

Mother:

Even if he just plays with his cars all day long, are you sure that’s okay?

Ms. Lam:

That’s okay. Of course you want to give him different things too, like blocks, etc.

Mother:

He just lines them up in a row.

Ms. Lam:

That’s what they do at this age. There’s a need for order that’s particular for this age. Once he gets over this age, he’ll play in a different way. When he plays with blocks, can you not interrupt him, please?

Mother:

I won’t.

Ms. Lam:

In Taiwan, we have Lasy classes and block classes. European block manufactures who come to Taiwan are all curious: how come you need a class to learn to play with blocks? But in Taiwan, that’s what we do. If there’s a class for it, then sales go up. Without classes, parents worry that they’re not playing with it the right way.

Mother:

So children are just imitating adults and not really creating for themselves.

Ms. Lam:

When you teach a child to use scissors, just teach him how to use it. After that, let him cut anyway he wants. Long pieces, short pieces, different shapes, let him do what he wants. When he uses knives, teach him the correct way to use it, teach him how to use it without hurting himself. Once you’ve taught him how to use it in a correctly and safely, let him do it himself.

You can also ask him to help you do housework. For example, put a table in the kitchen and let him help with some things. When you fold clothes, teach him how to fold, for example, you can let him fold socks, etc. He will love to do housework and help you out.

Mother:

Okay. I understand. Thank you, Ms. Lam.

A Great Outdoor Toy – Enter For Your Chance to Win One!

Brooke pulling the 'Rock N Roll' behind her during our morning walk in the parkI got the Rock ‘n Roll when the girls were not walking yet. I thought it would motivate them to walk, but I was wrong! They enjoyed sitting on the floor and rolling it, but for the most part, it didn’t interest them much before they took their first step. However, since they’ve started running around (happens soon after they started walking), they’ve loved this toy.

The Rock n Roll makes a loud clackety-clack on the rocks, which B loves - and does over and over again!We are lucky not to have downstairs neighbors because the toy does make a loud (but not unpleasant) sound on our wood floor.  That’s why I like to take it with us to the park. They love rolling it around on the grass, the rocks, pavement and the different terrains. Their friends love to play with it too. Also, it’s actually loud enough that you’ll know your child’s whereabouts! I love beautiful, wooden, functional, cause-and-effect toys. This one qualifies.

Our friend, Vivienne, 21 months, takes it for a stroll around the parkYou can buy this toy in many different places, but I recommend that you buy this at For Small Hands. Click here or look up Classic Wooden Walk n Roll Y96. Why? Because it is only one of the HUNDREDS of excellent toy/child-appropriate items they sell. To be frank, though I am reviewing this toy on their behalf, I have personally spent hundreds of dollars on their website because I think they have some great stuff. Look through their website and you’ll see what I mean: For Small Hands

Win a Rock 'n Roll for your child! It's easy. Send me an email at stephanie@montessorionthedouble.com with the title: "Win A Rock n Roll!" And you'll be entered for a chance to win. Send me an email now!

The Best Gift You Can Give Your Toddler

This morning, Mackenzie was crying and attached to my leg, so to distract her, I took out a mandarin orange for her to peel. She immediately stopped crying, sat down on her chair and began peeling. It's not easy task for a 17 month old. She was using so much force pulling the skin off the orange that the rest of her body was shaking. Being a mom, my heart hurt watching her work so hard, but the Montessorian in me knew that I shouldn't interfere, so I bit my tongue and kept quiet. Bit by bit, she peeled the entire thing by herself. I said to her, with relief in my voice, "Now you can eat it!" Brooke came over. Mackenzie immediately handed her the peeled orange and looked up at the bag of unpeeled orange, holding her hand out for another one to peel.

Just like my mother, Ms. Lam, told me, children around 1 1/2 - 3 years old, are not working for a reward of any kind. The reward is the work itself. This is so important: THE REWARD IS THE WORK ITSELF. What's the biggest gift you can give your toddler? Watch what they're interested in doing, give it to them, then leave them alone to do it for as long as they like without interrupting them! Don't talk to them, don't say, "good job," don't try to help them or correct them, do not even look at them. It might be climbing up and down the stairs, or pouring water from one thing into another, or digging sand, or ripping up a piece of paper, or lying there singing the same song over and over, it doesn't matter what it is. Just let them work. This is so simple, yet so hard, for a parent to do. But I assure you it is the best gift you can give them to prepare them for the future. Concentration, coordination, self-discipline - you cannot pay enough money to give your child these things down the line!

This video was taken the week before...

Brooke Peels a Boiled Egg

Every Wednesdays, we have soy-sauce braised chicken wings and eggs for dinner. It's a delicious Shanghainese specialty. On those days, we boil many eggs and the girls help peel them. Well, 'helping' implies they save me time, but actually, right now, it takes more time to have them 'help. ' BUT I know investing time now will pay off later when they can do it by themselves! We've been practicing for several weeks and luckily for Mama, I was able to capture the first time Brooke (16 months) peels an egg all by herself! I even let her eat it at the end, which I don't always do.

She's already broken the shell by tapping the eggs on the table. Here she is starting out.

She peels off the first couple cracked eggshells at the top.

Notice how she uses her thumb to peel away the shell. This took many demonstrations on Mama's part! It takes a lot of control to be able to use ENOUGH strength to peel the shell but not TOO much strength so your thumb goes through the egg white.

She brings the egg to her lap to work on it.

She's so concentrated at this point that when I said, "Brooke, turn the egg around," she actually jumped. Don't ever interrupt your child when they are engaged or concentrating!

A big piece comes off. Can you see how she just throws the egg shells everywhere as she's peeling? We gotta work on getting it in the bowl!

The last little bit is left.

She takes it off.

All done. A clean egg!

She breaks the egg in half. No egg yolk for me, thank you!

Brooke enjoys the fruits of her labor. 

This activity took a while for the twins to get the hang of. Whether they are successful or not depends a lot on the egg, some eggs are easy to peel and the shell comes off in chunks; some eggshell sticks to the egg and are difficult to peel even for an adult. I find bigger eggs are easier to peel than smaller eggs. However, they don't care whether they are 'successful' or not - they just want to do it!

Even better than peeling is snacking on these organic, omega-3 eggs afterwards!

Window Cleaning

Window cleaning is a great Montessori Practical Life activity perfect for the home. Here's how we do it--

Here is Mackenzie with her spray bottle - just water inside.  What I like about this bottle is, though the part you squeeze is wide for little hands, it is quite loose, so they were able to get water out of the bottle early on by using both hands. We have another spray bottle that is smaller and tighter and took much longer for them to master.

She can finally 'one-hand' it!

She uses a squeegee to wipe the water off the window

She finishes by wiping it with a small soft cloth.

Window cleaning is very attractive to young children because they love anything that involves water. Add the cool tools (spray bottle, squeegee) that go with it, and it's a true winner that they are happy to do over and over again!

I can't say our windows are any cleaner since they've started doing this activity, but my favorite part is leaving the house and then looking in to find their little silhouettes busy wiping down the window. It's amazing to watch them work with such intensity!

The right material is key for your toddler, make sure you consider the size, weight and feel of each item before purchasing it. Here's where I bought mine:

Squeegee: This one from Montessori Services is narrow enough for small hands to hold and maneuver 

Spray bottle: Make sure you test it out before buying it. I bought mine at a local bath and beauty store, but this one seems to have gotten good reviews

Cloth: I used these as burp cloths when they were babies. Now they are the perfect length, width and thickness for window wiping!

Tray: This tray is light to carry and sized perfectly to hold everything together.

Eating 'Family-Style'

I have moved away from putting food in a bowl and handing it to my kids to eat. Instead, I decided to teach them to eat "family-style." I was inspired by the Montessori classroom I visited in CT, where the children sat around a table and served themselves out of a serving bowl.

It also makes sense for our home because we eat dinner together every night. Being a Chinese mother, I can't help myself, I want to make sure they eat, so I may be guilty of overfilling their bowls, JUST IN CASE they are super hungry (or my cooking is super delicious) and they want to eat all of it. Sometimes it's wishful thinking, like when I try to hide the small mountain of sauteed spinach underneath the rice in Brooke's bowl. But sometimes Mama can dream...

After seeing too much food in the trash, I decided to change tactics. I bought several colored serving bowls and serving utensils. They caught on quickly --

Breakfast is yogurt, pear and oatmeal. Mackenzie starts with the yogurt.

I helped her move the bowls around, so she can reach the oatmeal.

Here she is scooping up the pears

Brooke also helps herself to some pear

and some oatmeal...

This is what Mackenzie's bowl looks like after she serves herself. Much more reasonable amount than what Mom usually puts in there! Plus, she can always serve herself more of something she wants - in her case, that would be more yogurt, which ranks as one of her favorite foods!

I'm happy to report that we are wasting much less food now that they are allowed to eat what they want and the amount they want. Alright, I still try to sneak spinach into Brooke's bowl, but can you blame me?

Tip #1: Your child will need some help with this at the beginning. This activity touches on several different skills, including sequencing, distinguishing (this spoon is for serving, this spoon is for eating) and organizing. For example, B and M have the motor skills to scoop, but they need my help offering them the bowls one after another and they sometimes try to eat from the serving spoons. So be patient with them, this skill may take some time to master.

#2: Make sure your serving bowls and utensils have a different color and shape from their bowls and utensils. When they can distinguish the sets visually, it really helps them grasp the concept.

#3: This is also the perfect time to teach table manners, "May I offer you some more pear?" "I see you would like some more yogurt?"

The right material is key for your toddler, make sure you consider the size, weight and feel of each item before purchasing it. Here's where I bought mine:

Serving Bowls:

These bowls are brightly-colored (but not gawdily-colored AND easily distinguishable from the white bowls they eat out of), high-quality and just the right size as children's serving bowls. They come in many different appealing colors.

Bowls:

The white bowls my children eat out of are Corelle dessert bowls. They're made of glass, but with all things Corelle, do not break easily.  Toddlers are short (or vertically-challenged, if you like), so if the bowls that are tall and deep, they cannot see what's inside their bowl when they are trying to scoop. Babies and toddlers generally know what they want, but they don't have the motor skills to pick up exactly what they want yet. They are already working hard on their motor skills, so don't make it any harder by blocking their view! These bowls are shallow so they can easily see what they are eating. We have 12 of these. I think each order comes with 6. I love these and cannot get enough of them!

Serving Spoons:

The serving spoons I bought at my local kitchen store (called 'Vintage Spoons') have a white handle at the top. They look a lot like this one I found online. The white handle at the top makes them easily distinguishable from the regular spoon.

Spoons:

Our spoons come from IKEA. They are the perfect size for toddlers, but in my opinion, a little too big for babies under 12 months.

Children know exactly what they want

Brooke signs, 'Music.'I'm sitting at my computer. Brooke comes to me and makes the sign for 'music.' "Would you like me to play some music?" I put on a Raffi song she's never heard before. She listens for about 30 seconds and then shakes her head vigorously. "You don't like this one?" I put on the Suzuki piano CD that starts with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. She immediately starts swaying back and forth to the music. After about 3 minutes, I say, "Would you like to read a book now?" She shakes her head vigorously. "Okay. Well, then would you like to hear this song again?" She makes the sign for 'again' several times. And then starts humming along when the music begins.

Children know exactly what they want and I LOVE HOW CLEAR they can be.

Harmonica Jam Session

A couple weeks ago, Evan Mahl - M.D. by day, rockin' musician by night - came to play the harmonica for us. Watch how his music inspires Sebastian, 18-months old:

Does Your Toddler Know a "Tulip" from a "Chimpanzee?"

B and M are learning so fast these days I have a hard time keeping up with them. I’m often turning to my Montessori training and community to see what else I can give them to keep up with their growth.

Children are in a sensitive period for language from 0-6. I don’t know how it happened: just a few months ago, they hardly showed any signs of understanding what I was saying, and all of a sudden, not only do they understand both English and Chinese, they know where to find the “rhinoceros,” “toothbrush,” “tulips,” “measuring tape” and “kiwi” in the house. They can follow commands like, “Please get your shoes,” “Bring the bowl to Daddy,” “Please get some tissues and wipe up this spill,” “Peel the banana and put it in the mixing bowl." All of this happened so fast I think it’s fair to call it an EXPLOSION!

When I visited a Montessori classroom, I was very inspired by the way the children loved and absorbed the language material. I've adapted my own version. Here is a great way to give your toddler more language while enhancing their sensorial learning.

Get a couple baskets/containers and fill them with items from several different categories. Here are some examples:

Household items – you can include things like binder clips, pencil case, a set of keys, ruler, measuring tape

Items you need before you go out – include items like sunglasses, wallet, metrocard, bracelet, necklace, watch, scarf, etc.

Animals - I bought mine from a company called Schleich. Their animal figurines are based on real animals. They are awesome.

I added these baskets one by one over several weeks. This is how you can present it to them:

1. First, prepare the basket and put in on their shelf the night before.
2. When they first see the new basket, they would invariably rush to see what's inside. Say, "Do you want to see what's inside? Let me show you!"
3. Pick up the basket with BOTH hands, decide where to sit, then clear everything out of the way, so the area is clean from other distractions. Then, invite them to sit down next to you.
4. Roll out a small rug on which to place the items. Begin to take out each item, naming them as you lay them out from left to right. (Left to right gets them used to the direction we read and write in the English language)
5. If they try to reach out to grab it because they’re so excited, say, “It’s my turn right now. When I am done, I will let you have a turn.” 
6. After you lay them all out, put each item back one by one into the basket, again naming them as you put them back.
7. Repeat this 2-3 times.
8. When you are done, let them have a turn. Then LEAVE THEM ALONE without interrupting them. Let them further discover the items on their own.
9. Repeat this 2-3 times over the next couple days or as often as you feel they need.
10. Note: Keep this basket in a place that is easily accessible to them at all times.

These baskets are very popular with our kids, as well as all the kids who come to visit us. We always take one of these baskets with us to restaurants in case we need something to entertain them before and after meals. And it keeps them hooked.

Mackenzie is going through her "purse" and trying on the various items

When you are choosing what to give them

If you can give them the real thing, don’t use a replica. Yes they will throw the banana a few times till it gets bruised and the sunglass lens will get a little scratched, but so what? Real items are more interesting and offer them so much more sensorial learning than plastic replicas. A real mango can be experienced with all five senses, a plastic one only looks good. While you’re waiting for the fruits to ripen, put it to good use by letting the children have a chance to explore them! In a similar way, children who are allowed to use real silverware, glass cups and bowls learn to be careful with them, whereas children who use plastics all the time have much less awareness. When Brooke was 13 months, she broke a glass. It was a scare, but we swept, vaccummed and everything ended up being fine. Since then, she always handles the glass with care, whether she is bringing it to the table to use or bringing it to the sink to be washed. We’ve never had a second broken glass since!

A fruit lesson - all real fruits! Even Nola, our little visitor, loved touching the avocado!

Mackenzie Peels a Banana By Herself

It's a challenge for children at this age to work with both hands at the same time. Peeling a banana is an excellent way to let them practice holding with one hand and peeling with another. And there's a delicious reward at the end of it! Even though the real reward for the child is the act of peeling itself, it's reassuring for Moms to know that your kids can soon reach for a wholesome and nutritious snack anytime they want!

"The Hands are the Instrument of Man's Intelligence"

Montessori believed the hands were the instrument of man's intelligence.

I've been looking for the best way for my kids to use their hands in different ways. In our house, we never sit to learn ABCs or 123s, instead, we clean! If you have children, you know what it's like to clean up after them. It's a constant affair.  Since Montessori believed that our job as parents is to be their educators, not their slaves, rather than cleaning up after them all the time, I’ve been teaching them to clean up after themselves.  How on earth am I making this work, you ask? Well, the only reason is because children love to clean when given the chance!

Brooke loves to wipe so much that she will spill her milk on the couch deliberately so she can get a tissue, wipe up the spill, then throw away the tissue. She does this every morning.

Here she is wiping up the spill on the floor.

And again wiping the table with a rag after she eats.

Here is a video of Mackenzie when she just turned 14 months -

Children at this age can also help put toys away, set the table, clean up the table, throw things away in the garbage. I just introduced them to window-cleaning with a squirt bottle and squeegee. Get them involved and show them how it's done. It still amazes me what they can do.